how i got over

i go to chipotles a lot.

a lot.

but i always get the burrito bowl.

you should know why.

alright, enough with this one line shit, paragraph's here, and i've brought a friend. anytime i've gone to chipotle, or any mexican place for that matter, i've always wanted to get a burrito or taco but couldn't. and i would tell myself that i would go back to these mexican places during a cheatday and pig out, and get it out of my system. i was sure that one time would be enough and that i could just get over it. it wouldn't be as good as i made it out to be in my head.

i was sure of it. today i made it a priority to get in a burrito before cheat day ended. chipotle, carne asada, cheese, guac, sour cream, and corn. i brought it home with an hour left, and was already preparing my "i'm over this shit" speech. this shit was not ready for me to bring my pimp hand of judgment upon its foil wrapped self.

damn.

it was flippin delicious.

what does it all mean

shuffle songs

i used to never like shuffling songs on my ipod. for one, i liked listening to a whole album front to back because some albums just have that nice flow to them, and i didn't wanna be robbed of the pleasure of enjoying that nice flow. for two, it's a lot easier to memorize songs that way. and we all know to look as cool as possible, you gotta be able to sing every song word for word while driving in your car. but also, i didn't like the fact that if i shuffled songs, i wouldn't know what song was coming up next, and i didn't like that uncertainty.

i've now come to accept and appreciate the chaos in my mind created when i elect to shuffle songs. if i don't like the song, i'll just hit next and move on. no harm.

a fried egg, rice, and ketchup

that's what i grew up eating

i love being filipino. during thanksgiving celebrations, whenever i have to answer the question what i'm most thankful for, i almost always answer "i'm thankful that my parents were filipino, cuz that means i'm a pilipino" (yes i know i switched them up mid-sentence and i don't care) and really, i mean it. being filipino has heavily influenced every part of my life thus far, and i really am grateful for it.

anyway, i only bring this up because one of the things i always found weird was how my family, and how i assumed all filipino families, mourned the loss of a loved one. I always thought it a little strange how we threw nights after nights of parties, drank, gambled, laughed the night away all because we lost one of our own. it sounds a little backwards right? shouldn't the mood be somber? shouldn't we be praying for her soul? come on filipinos, get your act together! i wasn't the only one seeing this way, right?

unfortunately, my grandma passed away this week, and as i type this at 1230am on a thursday morning, my extended family is just leaving my house after another night of eating laughing drinking gambling praying. yesterday, my aunties and uncles stayed playing cards until 3am, on a friggin wednesday night! they even asked my cousins to drive some folks home cuz they were drinking, on a frigging wednesday night! yet i don't find it weird anymore. i get it. i'm sure my grandma is loving the fact that we're all together because of her. laughing at us as we stumbled through a prayer we got from the internet. proud because some of us, just one really, can make the best biscuits filipinos have ever known to make with their own hands. and just happy that we really do enjoy each other's company, even if we play beer pong way too much for grown ass people. maybe it's really just helping us all cope by spending hella time together, but it's also beautiful too.

so yes, i can now say i love everything about being filipino. except maybe the whole you have to be as catholic as you can be part. but other than that, i love being pilipino.

rest in peace, apu.

hello? is this thing still on?

it's way too early to still be awake. i wish i could control my thoughts. but i can't. i can't stop thinking about it. everything reminds me.

everything.

i'm sorry for the sadness of this post. i remember telling myself that this blog should never be a release for my negative emotions, and that i would try and keep it entertaining and funny. but the arena for random funny thoughts is now owned by twitter. and i find myself awake, with a million thoughts running through my brain, wishing i had somebody to talk to. but it's 5:06am as i type this sentence.

i thought about working out. thought about doing pushups until i get tired enough to fall asleep, until i can no longer tell the difference between my sweat and tears, until my arms ache more than my heart does. but really, i can't keep avoiding the fact that it was my fault. and i know it.

i have a new love, and her name is kim chi

yessir.

i didn't really like kimchi at first. i was like "what is this shit next to my steve's korean bbq?" then in one of my classes, we were given an assignment to do a powerpoint on anything we wanted to, and this dood gave a presentation on why kimchi is the greatest food in the world. and i was like "respect, my korean compadre." there was also that part in planet bboy where the korean team is trying to ration the kimchi cuz they can't stand the cafeteria food. part of me hopes that the kimchi will magically give me bboy powers. (btw kimchi and fried rice is bangin good)

so now i have a jar of it. i spent at least 10 minutes in the kimchi section of the korean market in daly city just staring at them, trying to make up reasons of why i should choose different jars of kimchi. this one isn't very hot. but it's still tasty.

also, if anybody can read the jar please tell me what it says. or you can just tell me what you think it says.